Am I depressed or just lazy?

Am I depressed or just lazy?  My house is half decorated for Christmas, the tree will not be decorated until tomorrow.  I have not purchased necessary ingredients for my holiday baking, and I am putting forth no effort in wrapping gifts.  Christmas used to be my favorite time of year, being around family, baking, shopping…..only now, it all seems but a bother.

August 2nd,2012 my relationship ended with my husband.  Last Christmas, I put up the tree three days before the holiday and flung a few cheap dollar store ornaments on it, hung a wreath and called it good.  I was depressed, angry, and very bitter, I would not have even brought the tree from storage had it not been for my daughter insisting that we have a tree.  She couldn’t understand, nor would I expect her to, that I was in no way interested in celebrating ANYthing.  My marriage was over, the one thing that I thought was secure.  I mean vows are vows are they not?  But when you fall out of love with someone it is hard convincing them to stay.

THIS year, my husband moved out 6 months ago, we still see each other and i have a mini panic attack every time we do.  He comes to the house and helps me with things or I will give him a ride home from work just to be nice and help him out because I know he needs it.  I can handle seeing him, its just a constant reminder that his life is continuously getting better and I am stuck on this hill with nothing to do day in and day out.  I JUST discovered the creative writers group last month and right now, that is all I have to look forward to.  I need a friend with a job, a vehicle, and a love for bummin around and watching movies. He or she can come up here and keep me company during the day while my daughter is at school or we could go out, but at least they will be able to pay their own way.  In the evenings, we can watch movies, and hang out on computers, writing together or whatever.  I need a companion.

But back to the holidays…. as I said it is 4 days before Christmas and hardly anything is done.  And what little i have done has been with minimal enthusiasm.  My marriage is ending, divorce papers are being drafted, my teenager and I fight constantly, I don’t see my other daughter as much as I would like and I (like everyone) am struggling with money and sanity.  Forgive me if I am not donning an elf costume, bouncing through the house, eggnog in one hand and tinsel in the other while belting Christmas carols but my life kinda sucks right now.  So again, I ask – am I depressed or am I just lazy?

Cooped up

Saturday we had a snow storm = stayed home

Sunday roads not clear = stayed home

Monday = went into town to grocery store to get a hot cider went home.  Back into town to pick up dinner, went home.

Today = 2 hour school delay, roads bad — stayed home.

     Tonight = feeling cooped up and depressed.  I wore my robe over my pj’s all day didn’t get dressed and now I am feeling lazy, frumpy, and closed in.  The only connection with the outside world today beside my precious facebook was when Fed ex delivered my new tree stand and I exchanged a hello and a thank you.  I MUST get into town tomorrow, I MUST find somewhere to go (probably the library) and hang out for a couple of hours.  It all depends on the weather.  My daughter has her club after school tomorrow and I told her that it would depend on the weather as to whether or not she gets to go or has to ride the bus home and miss it because of the condition of our road. 

Thing is, if I am stuck home for a number of days and then get a chance to get out, my anxiety levels are higher.  I suppose that that makes sense though.  I definitely think getting out for a couple of hours tomorrow will do me some good.  Friday I have to travel to pick up my other daughter and the weather is supposed to be rainy but at least the roads are supposed to be clear so I am grateful for that.

I recently finished writing a short-ish story and for some reason I wrote it by hand in a notebook as opposed to typing it on the computer, of which I am in the process of doing now, so I think i shall get back to that.  Just needed to unload a bit.