Quest for Serenity: Convictions of a Bipolar Mind

{February 1, 2021}   Monday night ramblings

I keep thinking that I need to do a blog post but I feel I do not have much to say.  I like to post them as if I am in the middle of a conversation with someone.  Nothing too significant has been happening, it’s been Ground hog’s day around here more often than not that it doesn’t even register that tomorrow is the actual day.  And here I am close to Pennsylvania, getting slammed by the Nor’easter, sitting in pj’s with slippers that I have been wearing for three days, babbling, not caring if the vermin sees his shadow or not.

I see my therapist next week.  I emailed her last week about a concern of mine to which she replied we will address at our next appointment.  I am having trouble focusing and staying on task, perhaps one reason why I have been neglecting this blog.  I don’t have a good track record with posts anyway, but I set out to make it a more regular thing this year.  Annnywhoo – I want to talk to my therapist about my medication induced attention deficit disorder (A.D.D.)  It is presumed that it has been brought on by the long-term use of Lithium (going on 13 years now) however, there is speculation that it is simply just another symptom of Bipolar disorder.  Do you have an opinion about this?  Experience?

Needless to say, I can not focus, I start like 10 different projects and finish none, and I have trouble reading.  I either cannot sit to actually do it, or while reading, I skip over or transpose words.  For instance, a sentence such as, “They went there,” I read it as, “They there went at.”  Bad example, but I am also thinking about reading now and wanting to stop writing and start my new kindle book that I bought and have not touched.  Anyone else?  Gahh, it can be so maddening!


…And I am just coming back from being distracted by a social media platform and a call from my best friend.  I have lost momentum, not her fault, she had no idea I was writing and I will ALWAYS take her call.  As a result, however, this post is going to end here…

I am just going to leave this and see if anyone has had similar experiences, if you have, I would love to know, please comment below and share what you are willing.  Thank you, stay safe every one!

Remember: Food, water, medicine!


{January 11, 2021}   NOT WORK IS STILL WORK

The following is an excerpt from a book I wrote a couple of years ago, I thought I would share it here as well:


In 2006 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a nasty son of a bitch of a disease that involves chronic widespread pain (in other words, every cell of your being is on fire and you can’t douse it out) and crushing fatigue (I lost count of how many times I have nodded off while on the phone with someone or had to pull over to the side of the road just to sleep for 10 minutes).  Medications do little.

In 2008, I was (finally) diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder with rapid cycling, and anxiety and panic disorder.  I say finally because I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 14 but never stayed with a therapist long enough to get a diagnosis and get treated properly.

In 2010, I was granted Social Security Disability benefits.  It was deemed that I was unable to work due to my crippling conditions.  I felt relief, I felt I could finally have room to breathe and work with my doctors at getting on the right medications, getting enough sleep and getting better on the bad days.  Little did I know that getting better would be a day to day process!  But I had to start somewhere.  When I married in 2010 I felt like I again could relax.  I had someone that had known of my conditions and still committed to be with me or the rest of our lives.  It felt that it was true love.  I was also deeply manic at the time and that played a huge role into when and how we got married.  The marriage did not last long and when he finally moved out I found myself trapped inside my house.  I had developed Agoraphobia and suddenly had two kids, a dog, cats and a house to take care of.  I had to bring the phone and house keys with me to the mailbox everyday “in case something happened” and I needed to call someone to rescue me.  The mailbox is precisely 46 steps from my front door.  But I had to walk all the way there and then 46 steps back.  God forbid my neighbor be outside and wave at me!  Do I wave back?  What if he wants to talk?  Quick!  Think of a reason to get back inside as quickly as possible!

This is how my brain worked.  Always full of fear and irrational thoughts.  Too many “what-if’s” came flooding in every day and it consumed me.

If I couldn’t even go to my mailbox without hyperventilating, and I was in too much pain to get off the couch I didn’t see how I could work 40-50 hours a week somewhere.  I would occasionally do things to earn extra money but it was never anything significant.  I would take in a friend for a single month and collect $150 in rent, I would sell beaded jewelry that I made when my hands would work, I would sell things on consignment or on eBay.  I also had a camera and love to take photos but I never got paid for any photoshoots that I’d done.  They were always gifts.   I took pictures at my sister’s wedding and that was my wedding present to her, another friend’s wedding was the same thing.  I took maternity photos as a baby shower gift.  I recently took family photos of my daughter’s boyfriend’s family just because.  And I am constantly taking shots of all the kiddos in the family at picnics.  It’s just something that I like doing and I am not half bad at.

But it’s all work.  I am working without working.  Most recently, I have taken up to volunteering at the hospital four hours a week for something to do and to feel important.  I am valued and liked there and I enjoy it.  I work, but I don’t get paid.

To me, work is anything that you do when you are not laying down.  Sweeping the kitchen floor, driving, making jewelry, making dinner, calculating numbers, working with computers, serving customers and patients, or installing a roof…  it’s all work.  You are asking your body to do something and some of it may be strenuous and some of it may not, but you are in motion.

Good old Google defines work as: “activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.”  So contrary to what my fourteen year old’s father thinks, you can be working and not earning money.  There are some agencies that would probably frown upon this as they would feel as though if you can walk around a wedding venue for hours taking pictures, why can’t you do that every day for pay?  Jewelry?  You need a vendor’s license for that.  Now, I don’t go out and try to find loop holes, or outright break the law, but a pair of earrings here, a photoshoot there really does not equate to much.  If it DID become a regular thing, then yes, I would go through the proper channels.

I think not work is good work for the soul.  There is so much that you can do!  If you are a crafter – craft away, if volunteering is your thing – do it!  I think that for the ninety-some percent of individuals that work a job for pay and for all others, it is important to find something that you love, so what if you are not good at it…I once crocheted at six foot long strand of yarn because it felt good but I couldn’t quite get it to hook to a second row.  Even now, I will occasionally get out my knitting looms and make half of a scarf.  The ones that I DO complete I donate to the Salvation Army for homeless individuals.  The point is, it’s therapeutic and makes me feels good.  Everyone should regularly do something that makes them feel good.  Interpret that at will.”

Circa 2018

Now: I feel that it is also important to note that a great many individuals will not understand the not work/work aspect of your life.  I think the most important part of the not work aspect is that with these disabilities, it is a DAILY struggle, sometimes to even get out of bed.  As an individual with a physical AND a mental disability – I work hard every day to make sure I am taking the right mediation at the right dose at the right time, remembering to shower (which is challenging for me), making good food choices and remembering to even eat at all.  It is daily work to stay on top of appointments, making sure that I set them and keep them, setting my alarm and getting myself to the doctor’s office, or now, a zoom call.  I am constantly forgetting to pick up my medication refils from the pharmacy – even though I get text messages on my phone.  It isn’t until the weekend hits, the pharmacy is closed and I go to fill my med tray that I realize that I am out of something.

I had someone once ask me, “Why do you have a day planner?  You don’t go anywhere.”  I excused their ignorance and kindly explained to them what I just stated above and also that I have to plan to go out and do laundry, get to Walmart for food and paper products, and to do these things on a regular basis or I will be out of food, water, and toilet paper too!

Living on social security income is not easy at all and sometimes it takes going to different stores to use coupons and get the best deal, sometimes you can only go to certain stores because a benefit card issued by your insurance company cannot be used at Walmart.  I have a car, so there is maintenance and care that is required and my auto shop is 40 minutes away because he is the best and gives me good rates!

I do a lot for not working and yes, there are days that I do not leave the house.  Heck, there are days that I do not leave the bed!  But if just one person took the time to understand that, hell, don’t even understand it if you don’t want to, but at least accept it.  Accept that my life is different and I have different needs and I work hard every day to meet those needs, then it will make things a whole lot easier on a lot of skeptical people.  I am sure that individuals that have similar experiences to mine would agree that not work – is still work!

Be safe always and remember – food, water, medicine!  Name one thing that you are grateful for in this moment, no matter how big or how small!

{January 10, 2021}   CompartMENTALization

I find that I have an uncanny ability to fit things, everything, into boxes and put each of those boxes in their own little spaces.  Relationships, creativity, errands and appointments, and … moods!  I am having trouble identifying my mood this very moment and think that I am falling under the “Blah” compartment.  Perhaps if I just start writing, it will be revealed:

I was supposed to have a movie date with my husband, but he ended up taking a nap and now it is 2:02 in the morning and he is just getting up.  As much as we are night owls, I feel that if we started a movie now, I may not make it to the end before I am falling asleep in my chair.

Compartment:  Disappointment

I am currently sampling a new album by an artist with blonde hair that started out country and has since gone to pop and is doing amazing things.  I have not listened to her in quite a while but an author I follow on social media, did a “first reaction” taping of her listening to the album and was so animated about it that it ended up peaking my interest.  I must say I am liking it very much!

Compartment:  Chill

Compartment:  Hangry – I have had a few pieces of artisan bread and some beef tips all day, 2am and I am heating potatoes (sugar)…grrrreat!

I used to eat PALEO off and on and then for almost two years straight.  Loved it, never got bored or burned out on foods and was able to get creative with plating for social media posts. With that and the help of a gym membership, I lost 40 pounds in 9 months and after 90-minute yoga classes twice a week, became more fit and flexible and loved it.  It was a huge confidence boost, I even started dating then.  However, a new relationship, Covid, depression, and agoraphobia kicking back up, I have gained all the weight back and then some and quit going to the gym.  I struggle with eating paleo anymore due to affordability and discipline.

Compartment:  Frustration

I have indeed, ordered some books about Intuitive living and Intuitive eating to see if I can get on SOME track some how with my habits and hopefully in the process, break a few too.  I think that focusing on restoring my spiritual health will be the first place to start.  I feel like I need to continue with Ho opono pono and make sure that I write in my Gratitude journal every morning over coffee.  My father, my greatest advisor, was kind enough to remind me of Julia Cameron’s “Morning pages” and this morning I wrote three pages, in a new journal that my husband gave me for Christmas, that fittingly says “Make today Amazing” on the cover.  The words written were open and uncensored, then I proceeded to write in my gratitude journal and eased into my day.  Due to some outside forces, my hubby and I were both sick last night and today and I ended up going back to bed 45 minutes after waking and sleeping until 4:30 in the afternoon!! 

I never used to allow myself to sleep, but I am slowly understanding that I am disabled for a reason.  If I could get up at 5:30 every morning and go like a Clydesdale until 10pm and do it all over again 6 days a week,  I would not be on disability.  I have a few conditions that knock me on my ass frequently.   I am under control with most of them or at least managing the best I can without therapy or a gym and doing my best to maintain everyday, so if one day I sleep more than the other then that is what my body needs.  Intuitive living.

Compartment:  Hopeful

Below is the book by Julia Cameron that explains “Morning pages” as well as other very useful information.

I realize that all of this sounds like a round-about fancy way of saying that I am cycling.  I have a tendency toward rapid cycling anyway.  If that’s all it is, fine, but I am not going to just sit by and let life happen to me, I am going to be an active participant and if putting things in boxes in spaces helps me identify moods, tasks that need doing, or decisions to be made, then that is what I am going to do.  My focus word for 2021 is “Restore” and if I am not an active participant in my own life, what the hell am I doing?  What is the point of getting out of bed?

I love life!  I look forward to moving forward with my husband and exploring married life and what, after so many failures, a real and healthy relationship looks like, feels like.  I am looking forward to continuing to get in touch with my mind/body connection and healing in ways that I may not have seen before.  Tomorrow’s task:  Going to the storage shed and digging out an old wellness notebook from college that will aid in my quest. 

Compartment:  Optimism

Be well, remember: food, water, medicine and think of three things that you are Grateful for in this moment!  Night!

{January 1, 2021}   2021 and determined:

Ok, so I made it to 2021 with a good bit of my sanity intact…. now what?

After the year I have had mentally, physically – there is nothing left to do but plug my nose and jump in with both feet.  Each year, I decide on a focus word (as opposed to setting those pesky resolutions that no one seems to be able to keep) or rather the word finds me.  Last year, the word was “Joy” and although 2020 was what it was, I had a lot of joy.  The year before that was “blessings”.  Each brought about what I focused on and I was satisfied.  A focus word for me is something that I can take with me as I go about my day, my year.  I can put it on post it notes and tape them to my bathroom mirror, in my car and at my desk.  It helps me stay…well…focused…on what I wish to accomplish for the year and every victory no matter the size is to be celebrated.

Sure, I would love to lose 10 pounds, and a hell of a lot more than that!  I would like to give up energy drinks (I say this as an empty can sits next to my left elbow) and I think I would like to become more organized but these are all tasks that once accomplished, I am left with ‘what to do next?’  With a focus word it can encompass all of those things and more, and it will allow me to be ever changing and accomplishing and absolutely ever evolving.

So, what is my focus word for this year?  It is simple but packs a punch!  My word is: RESTORE.

I want to restore my physical health by intuitive eating and giving up on dieting as well as getting myself out and moving more.  Whether it is a solo mission or my hubby does it with me, I would like to walk more, do more yoga, and eventually (and as the weather turns nice) go hiking!  Hopefully, my hubby’s broken foot will be healed completely by summer for that last one because there is a hike at a glen near our home that is challenging and I would like to make it to the top to see the great waterfall and maybe go for a swim!

Mentally, there is much to work on and I will take that in small bites.

Spiritually, I need to meditate more and make it a daily practice again.  I now have the equipment at my desk that will allow for that, so there is no excuse.  I would like to continue using and learning more about Ho opono pono and healing in ways that I sometimes think incapable.  PTSD is a bitch and among other things, it can really stop you in your tracks.

When I was in college, I took a “Mind/body connection” course and have a large 3-inch, 3-ring binder up in storage (somewhere) that I would love to get out and work through again.  I kept a lot of my health and wellness text books and need to get a hold of that tote and after taking a walk down memory lane, dig in and resurrect my…er… myself, really.  I think we are going to get a chance to get up to the storage shed next week as one of the things we need to do is organize it and I am pretty sure that that tote is the one chilling in the back corner with the camping gear!

January 1, 2021:  RESTORE.  Today I ate a salad with dinner.  Resolved to buy “Green Goddess” salad dressing made by Primal Kitchen, the next time I am at the store.  I listened to my body and took a nap (at 5:00 pm) instead of fighting through the fatigue and getting a headache and woke 40 minutes later feeling refreshed.  I am going to post this and then go drink a nice cold glass of water and then curl up with some tea and read a book that I am totally enthralled by!  I will go to sleep when I grow tired of reading and wake tomorrow and focus on restoration!

(I am enthusiastically reading “The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue” by V.E. Schwab, not my normal genre but I stepped out of comfort zone and I am so glad that I did!! I may be reading another one of her works with my best friend so we can enjoy and discuss.  So, by stepping out of my zone, I think I am quickly discovering a new author and I am grateful.)

What is your focus word?  How will you regard yourself this year?  My wish for you is that you find joy and accomplishment in everything that you set out to do!  Good night!

{November 30, 2020}   Howling at the Moon

I am recently off a mania. I sold my house and moved in with my fiancé in another town and since I owned my home outright (no mortgage) I had quite a bit of cash in my pocket….just burnin holes!! I was responsible with most of it, I paid off all debt and got a head on a couple of bills, but then came the electronics. I bought at TV. I fronted the money for my fiancé to get a brand new gaming computer (definitely over $1000) and I myself bought a new laptop. I haven’t had a new one since 2014 and I am a writer, so to me, it was a justifiable purchase. However, the myriad of books, clothes and household goods probably were not.

My mania passed and as for me personally, I tend to come down just as quick as I go up and I am left with a two week period of extreme irritability, sometimes followed by a deep depression. We are trying to avoid that last one at all costs. I am about a week in with the irritability and although it hasn’t been terrible, it is certainly noticeable. My fiancé has called me out a couple of times, respectfully and gently, thankfully.

Yet, today was different. I seemed to wake up angry. I took ibuprofen right away and cursed it for not working fast enough. In my pervious posts, I have blogged about having Fibromyalgia as well as Bipolar, and today was one of those days where I didn’t want to be out of bed. Alas, laundry had to get done. (We have been putting it off for two weeks and I feared looking in my dresser this morning, that I might discover that I was out of clean skivvies.)

An hour after being awake and coveting the coffee pot I conceeded and went back to bed. My babe had a bout of insomnia last night and did not go to sleep until 8am! We both slept until two in the afternoon!! When we woke, we woke irritated, in pain, and grumbling about the fact that we knew we had to leave the house and go to the laundromat as well as the store for coffee creamer…if we did nothing more today – I was going to get creamer!!

Saving the boring details, we both spent the better part of our waking hours bitter, frustrated and not doing our best to communicate with one another our needs. We got laundry done and it wasn’t until we convened in the living room over some dinner and an episode of “The Mandalorian” did we begin to talk softly to one another and interact with love.

We did not yell, we rarely do that, but we were certainly snippy and I blame it on the full moon coming tonight and the eclipse accompanying it. My Facebook feed is filled with individual posts of people complaining or memes about disrespect, etc., so I stayed off of it most of the day and decided not to invite any further negativity into my personal space.

I believe in and use Tarot cards, Oracle cards, crystals, etc. If I HAD to put a label to it, I would say that I am Pagan. I am not a habitual practitioner but when lunar activity like tonight happens, I take advantage and cleanse some of my tools and things. I follow the moon and watch my menstrual cycle – which I will be writing about, I do not feel that any part of menstruation, or sex for that matter, should be taboo and I am open.

In following the moon, the Beaver moon this month, I have discovered that irritability is common under this one and that no major decisions should be made until it’s passing. I wouldn’t call deciding to go to the laundromat a major decision, but I could very well have gone on my own and left babe home to relax and nurse his back which was hurting him immensely today. Yet, when you put the task off and then back yourself into a corner knowing that you MUST leave the house if you are to acquire coffee creamer today or no dice then it becomes a level of adulting that we haven’t had to bother with for two weeks.

I am on disability for Fibromyalgia and Bipolar disorder. Babe, has anxiety and depression and also collects disability for Cerebral Palsy. This pandemic has been difficult for us, the same as anyone else. What it has also done is put us in a 500 square foot, 1 bedroom apartment for nine months with minimal interaction with the outside world. I talk to my best-friend everyday on the phone and he has his gaming buddies, but they are all just voices, we do not see many people at all, except for the monthly Zoom call with my therapist. So we spend a lot of time with one another, talking, laughing, cooking, fucking, watching tv, and whole lot of time “apart”…he in the bedroom at his computer hub and me in the living room reading books and putzing around at my desk. Wo DO go out. We go to Walmart (mostly curb-side pick up or the same with Target and our pharmacy), we also go to Barnes & Noble (my happy place) and we check our PO Box, so we are not complete shut ins, but I am a people person and want to go to all the places and do all the things…and we are just home. It has been hard at times, especially during my mania, for sure!

Two things happen when a couple is pent up together over extended periods of times. 1. They learn a lot about the other person and 2. They learn a lot about themselves (what they will and will not tolerate for example). I have to say, we have done very well. Today seems to be an anomaly fueled in part by my decreasing mania and panic to obtain that dang coffee creamer.

Apologies have been made, hugs, kisses, and we are apart, doing our own things and content. The moon can do some weird things to people, I am sure that ER nurses are full of stories!! Be gentle with yourself if you feel the moon or a mood affecting you. Take a few deep breaths and know that whatever it is – WILL PASS!

I am intending on spending the remainder of my time before bed tonight, reading. I am wanting all the cozies right now and just got a new blanket, so it’s time to open the curtains, curl up and crack the book open. I am going to go kiss babe, change in to some pajamas and relax, allowing the energy of the moon to flow through me and cleanse me and make right my attitude.

Have a good night and good energy all!!

{November 22, 2020}   Ramblings and writing:

I have been sitting in the living room alone for two hours. I logged a call with my best-friend, but she was playing a video game with her kids and didn’t talk much. My fiancé was asleep so it was just me. I attempted to read for a bit, attempted writing, surfed YouTube then finally landing on Pandora and listening to Ani Difranco.

I pulled the mat out and did some yoga but I have gained so much weight from being comfortable in a relationship and from the quarantine that I couldn’t comfortably get into the gentle poses. It was more painful and discouraging that anything and I was glad to be alone in that moment.

I am blocked. I spend my days coming down from a hard mania where I spent thousands of dollars and cannot remember what I bought and of course all the mental havoc on me. I spend the wee hours of the night/morning scribbling in a journal or watching Tik Tok videos. I do not know that I have written anything of substance but just the act of writing is soothing so I stick with it. I cannot say the same for my books. I must have started about five books in the last month or so and only finished two of them. Not much seems to grab and hold my interest at the moment.

I did however read and completely enjoy a book called “The Midnight Library” by British author Matt Haig. He wrote about the protagonist being caught between life and death and ends up in a library where all the books on the shelves are courses of where her life could have gone had she chose “x”. I think in some way, we have all entertained the “what-if” scenario, but this author wrote about it and did beautifully. I myself have often wondered what my life would be like had I not made “x” “y” “z” choices. What would it be like if I never became a mother? Would the estrangement of BOTH my kids hurt so bad…I wouldn’t know. What if I had never moved out of Buffalo, NY, would I have married ___ and lived happily ever after? We don’t even talk anymore.

Everyone always says that you shouldn’t think like that. That you should be happy with where you are now, that things, people would not be in your life if you had done something different. I certainly would have not wanted to go through this life having never met my fiancé, but as a writer, questions about x,y, & z only leave me with eager writing material.

Right now I am struggling to write a memoir about my Agoraphobia and it is not that the content has escaped me, as crappy as my memory can be at times…it is more that I feel like I am not ready to write about it. I suppose I have some additional healing to do. It will come when the time is right, but that begs the question – What do I write about in the meantime?

I desire to write with vigor, color, and relevance. Perhaps that is why I am so drawn to memoir. I am fresh out of ideas for creative writing, fiction. I have so many writing prompt books and there is a plethora of such things on the internet but nothing grabs me. I feel like I want the idea to well up from my depths and give me a hunger to write with abandon and get my story down. Something is telling me to meditate in this moment. I need to clear my space within my apartment and the space within my head.

It is a hard hard road. I have so much to say but someone has sewn my mouth shut, cut off the tips of my fingers – it’s name is Bipolar and I am cycling down…down to a lonely place, a numbing feeling, a space of joyless room in my head. Coming down from mania is difficult and I am just barely hanging on.

…til me meet again … stay safe!

I always want to start out my posts with “It’s been a while…” and truly, it has, but there has to be a better way to pop up and let my followers know that I am still alive.  That and I would really like to see myself writing more often.

I have been going through something that I cannot quite seem to put my finger on.  I have been experiencing depression on and off.  It is nothing that has stuck around for more than a couple weeks at a time, yet, it has not been circumstantial depression, it’s much deeper. I haven’t experienced a Bipolar depression in a couple of years.  It’s grip on me has been tight too.  Then one morning, I wake and I am fine.  I do not understand it.  These episodes have certainly affected me.  I am not cleaning my house, I am grumpy the entire time I am off the hill and running errands in town, and I snappy with my girls (sometimes), and let’s not even begin to wonder what it has done to my creativity.  My writing is well HA! What writing?  It is lifeless.  As a result of this depression, I have not been keeping up on my blog either.

I am doing my best to cope and with each day that passes, I grow more and more animosity toward my ex-husband for not being stronger or more of a man to stick around.  He is not meant to be in a relationship, he doesn’t know what his role should be and thus I am alone.  Why bother mentioning something that was over almost two years ago?  I desire companionship greatly these past few weeks and I find myself tempted to physically meet a man that I have been talking to online for months now.  But I know that if I do, my motives will be wrong and I do not want to get myself into a situation that is not healthy.

This happens to be a time when I am not feeling down.  In fact, I am jamming out to Cat Stevens right now and rather enjoying my silly singing voice.  Last night I started painting!  I only laid the first layer down but I am contemplating the rest of it.  I want to put some Beatles lyrics on the canvas and hang it in my living room, though I am tempted to give the finished product to my best-friend…so it looks as though I will have to paint two!  The point is, my creativity is coming back.  I am writing this, I created a few pages in my art journal and I am enthusiastically reading a book that I am really enjoying.  I am actually able to focus on it long enough to comprehend what I have read.  I feel “normal.”  Or rather, I should say – STABLE.

I hate the word “Normal” as there is no true normal these days, anyone that spends five minutes at the mall “people-watching” knows better.  Hell, you don’t even have to go that far… simply go out into your community and have an interaction with someone.

Anyway, meds have not changed.  Still taking everything, but have added the supplement Turmeric to my daily gulp.  It is all around a good supplement to have in your system and I even cook with it (caution, it will turn all your food orange, haha) and is believed to ward off depression.  It may be working.

As many a Bipolar thinks, I would love to be off meds and just take supplements.  Shoot, they are not covered under insurance and I am on a fixed income…hmm.  It is expensive to keep yourself healthy these days and oh gosh, am I glad I have a prescription plan.

The weather is beginning to turn.  It is supposed to be in the 40’s all week with no snow in sight and I can hear my house dripping with melting ice.  I even heard some birds singing their returning song outside of the library the other day.  It excited me.

I imagine, hope, that with the changing of the season, I am clear of this depression cycle.  I look forward to being able to open my back door and watch the cat and dog vie for the sunlight streaming in.  And flip flops, oh flip flops… c’mon warmer weather!

{December 2, 2014}   I want to try Cannabis capsules

I haven’t written in a while, to my followers, I am sorry. I am well, kids are well, made it through another month with food in our bellies and a roof over our heads. My washer broke mid-wash about two weeks ago so now we have the added expense of driving to a washer be it at a friend’s house or the laundry mat (another added expense). Thanksgiving was good. We spent it up at my mother’s house and had a great day, the roads were clear to travel on too, of which I was grateful.

The depression that I had been feeling is gone, I am back to feeling awake and alert. I feel grateful every day for what I have and for my stability. I declined the Latuda and began taking a Turmeric supplement instead for the depression and by all accounts it seems to be doing the trick. I would much prefer a supplement over a pharmaceutical any day…if I HAVE to take something at all.

To be honest, I am waiting for my state to become medicinal, as I would love to try the cannabis capsules to replace the Lithium, Lamictal, Buspar, Klonapin, and pain pill. I think that there are so many benefits. Personally, I don’t think Marijuana should have ever been made illegal. Cancer, glaucoma, Depression, HIV, I could go on and on.

I would not smoke it. I don’t like how it makes me feel when I do that but cooking with it would be interesting too. I would have to make SURE that the kiddos don’t eat mama’s brownies!

I know that this a controversial issue for some and I would love to hear comments on how you feel about it.

Here I am – at 10:45 at night – and I am sitting in a laundry mat with my two children. One is asleep in a plastic deck chair, the other sits tolerably watching YouTube videos from a Nintendo 3DS.

We are here because my washer just broke. It sits half filled with towels, clothes and water. Water that I have no idea how I am going to get out of there.
I sit here because I am poor. I cannot afford to buy new. I can’t even afford the extended warrantee that is offered with a new unit. I am poor and I have been for a while and I am down right son of a bitchin mutha truckin sick of it! I am on disability for a reason and with the season setting in, I am brutally reminded of that fact.

I volunteered once at my local library. I was on my feet shelving books for about an hour and by the time I was finished and got home, I was laid up on the couch for hours, feet and legs burning. Today, I did my best at sitting for three hours at a write-in, but had to get up every half hour and walk. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit…how in the world can I get a J-O-B??

This is the point in my thought process where I determine that I need a man. I need a man with a good job and one that is willing to put up with irritability on occasion. I had a man once- then he abandoned me and eventually married another. Then I went out and found a new man, hell, I even married that one, but he abandoned me too. (He wasn’t much help during the marriage anyway. He actually waited until one week before moving out to finally get a job!) Way to go! I know how to pick em good huh?

I know it’s not PC to say that I NEED a man thanks to my fellow womyn of the 70’s, my predecessors to a new dawn, but fuck it! Things are just easier with a man around. The sex is ‘funner’ rather than flying solo, the meals are better when he brings home a fresh kill. The mudroom might be a little stinkier with the man boots takin up residence, but the conversation is sweeter and the bed is warmer…oh and did I mention that the car is always fixed and everything in the house is in good working order? And at some point…my heart…the pieces come back together…the stitch marks fade – and it begins to beat again. And I think maybe, just maybe, this one won’t abandon.

Now ladies don’t think for a moment that I have forgotten that it take 5 times of asking before the garbage is taken out, 3 times before the dirty clothes are picked up off the floor, 4 times before the wet towel is removed from the bed, and 6 times before that “Honey-do list” has been glanced at. All I am saying is that when you have a man, you appreciate him and all that he does for you, the children, the harmonious operation of the household (oh wait, that’s our doing as well)…but you get my drift.
Life is better with a companion to share it with.
I am home now and attempting to relax but I know that I have got some articles in the washer than need tending to. I suppose I can just hang then out to “dry” on the deck, long as that may take. Then there is the matter of the water and I haven’t quite figured that one out yet. I don’t even think that putting it on a dolly and moving it outside would work, I fear that the water would begin to spill before then.
I put an add on one of the Facebook garage sale something or other websites looking for someone that knows how to fix washers, but guess what….oh you did guess, well you were right – no money to pay them for their services. I will have to barter and trade but I don’t have much.

I wonder if I post one of those “Go Fund Me” websites if someone would donate to my sanity. How bout it my dear followers – would you let go of a buck? Haha, just imagine.
On a medical note…I have successfully switched to Extended Release Lithium, no fatigue, doing well. I went down from 37.5 mg to 25 mg on Lamictal. I am slightly more irritable but it all tends to be situational and fades quickly. My doc wants to put me on Latuda but one of the side effects can be irritability and I am not sure I am willing to risk my teen’s sanity and tolerance on that.


Well, now that I have taken up your precious time, I will proceed to go retrieve the towels and things from the washer (I hope the cat doesn’t get out). As always, comments are welcome and please, let me know if you have any words of wisdom/caution/humor/etc about LATUDA.

I hope everyone is well, sane, and enjoying the company of another (at least occasionally). Be well.

I went through a period of mania and spent money I couldn’t spend and have been bouncing around town running errands, going to the library, etc. every day. Positively speaking, I am taking a creativity class and I still attend my weekly writer’s group.

Now however, I am going through a period of depression. I can feel it creeping in and this time, I am having a hard time differentiating between circumstantial depression or bipolar depression. It hit me kind of hard this time and is sticking around. Circumstances what they are… I haven’t been able to pay any of my bills this month and still have another one coming. I have a quarter tank of gas and have to go out of town in a few days THREE times AND I have no working toilets or showers in the house and have not for about two weeks…right about the time that I noticed that I was feeling slightly depressed. NO ONE can seem to find my septic tank so that we can pump it. Bless my sweet neighbor though. He was over here for two and a half hours digging and doing the job of a back hoe single handedly and yet we still came up empty handed. I feel so incredibly bad that he worked so hard and I have nothing to give him and a thank you, no money for his labor, a hot meal, nothing. He is the type that wouldn’t accept it anyway, but I can’t keep letting him do work on my house when he has work on his own house that he is putting off, it’s not right.

The problem is, I am in a situation where I need the help. I either do not know how and am physically unable to do the work myself and my freakin husband left me…yes, yes, I will let that one go when I feel like it…. And so therefore I have no one that I can turn to.

So all this leads me to believe that my depression is circumstantial. Yet, the way that it hit and is sticking around makes me think it could be something more. I did some poking around and was looking at Sam-e and fish oil. I know that fish oil can raise one’s mood. There are different oils on the market, there is general fish oil, krill oil, etc. It can be hard to choose which one. But Sam-e is something new to me and I read about it today. It increases the serotonin levels in which I am not sure that that is what I want because they have the ability to act in place of anti-depressants and I cannot take them because they turn me extremely hostile and no one needs that. So I am leary.

Here is the information that I found. Concise but good:

The good things is that I see my therapist tomorrow and we can discuss these issues at length. I think I will see her again in four weeks not eight because of what I am going through and I think she will recommend that anyway. I am just not sure that we will be increasing or starting any new medication. I am on enough!
I struggled through this post, so I will do my best to get on here shortly after tomorrow’s meeting and let you know what my therapist has recommended for this depression. Hopefully it helps answer someone’s question(s). Take care and be well.

et cetera